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The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

Written on August 20, 2008 at 8:29 pm about Films, Musing by Paradox
1 Comment

My opening statement is that this is a mediocre movie, but an absolutely atrocious sequel.

Spoilers may follow. But don’t worry if you see this movie your eyes will fall out and burry themselves in your ass so read it here and save your eyes.

Perhaps the first clue that this movie was destined for the dumpster should have been Rachel Weisz deciding not to reprise her role as Evey over issues with the script. She had to be replaced by Maria Bello and my god whoever decided that was obviously snorting something brown and five hundered years old.

Here is an example of how crazy this gets:

Brendan Fraser rides a horse made out of rock and molten lava through a Chinese City during Chinese New Year, while Jet Li peels off his face and throws it at his would-be attackers.

I know what you’re thinking: “Is the director smoking crack?”

Well, yes I think he was.

The plot focuses on Jet Li’s mummified Immortal Chinese Emperor who is accidentally awoken, and it’s up to our heroes to stop him before he manages to raise his invincible terracotta army…

But wait he’s not immortal until he gets to a spa in the Himalayas which looks like the place from the second film with a golden statue of Buddha, there is two guardians who are 3000 years old and immortal for no apparent reason. And his invincible army is not so invincible until after it crosses the Great Wall of China and is actually as tough as a china vase…

I can’t go on, THIS SHIT IS BANNANAS!

Is it just me or is the same drivel we’ve seen many many times in the bargain bin at blockbusters?

Fraser is his normal, perfectly affable self, here supposedly “older”, though the poor make-up can’t conceal his youthful features and Bello does a more than decent job filling in for Weisz, in the same way a polar bears fills in for a zebra. Maria Bello is to Rachel Weisz as I am to Muhammad Ali.

Hannah here is fairly wasted, used only to snipe from the sidelines and offer incredibly inane one-liners (I did feel at one point that if everyone would shut up for five seconds, instead of commentating on absolutely everything, or offering up glib quips, that the fighting might go just that tad bit easier). Speaking of which, Jet Li is also fairly underused, with the final face-off between his Mummy Emperor and Rick O’Connell feeling more than a little underwhelming.

Let’s now tackle Luke Ford, to the ground, and beat him.

The son of Rick and Evey Mk II. I don’t know whether to blame the script or him but either way the whole subplot of “healing the father-son relationship” hurts me like fire, it’s painful.

As for Chinese history and culture … well, I know the Mummy doesn’t follow historical accuracy but at least the last two where based on fact. This film is very hanging off the bones.

Just to re-iterate this quote: “Rachel Weisz announced that she will not be reprising her role of Evelyn due to different interests with the screenplay.” Yes, I can see her point. She got off the sinking ship.

So at this point the director wants to spice things up, so add an element of danger that will keep you on the verge of consciousness, Li’s Emperor has the ability to control all the elements, and turn into anything he likes, this part is very much like Reign of Fire meets Lord Of The Rings.

Did I mention there are Yetis in this film?

Yup, Yetis turn up and fight on the side of good against Li’s evil minions, adding barely any weight to the CGI-Heavy, soulless mess that the film has turned out to be.

This film ups the ante in terms of special effects and action, but there’s an undeniably tired air. The action isn’t used to advance the story but to delay it. Tomb of the Dragon Emperor tells a tiny story. The heroes go one place.

Then they go to another place.

Then they meet up with the bad guy.

There’s a showdown.

Frankly this story could have been told in 45 minutes; Instead, Tomb stretches this little bonbon of a plot into 112 minutes.

Coming off far worse is a newly brunet Bello, who appears distinctly uncomfortable in the action sequences and who sports an unfortunate British accent to boot.

I really don’t feel I can destroy this film any further and so I shall end by saying I feel this film would be improved by saying its called The Mummy 3: Curse of the Emperor Penguin.