Random Musings - 3 geeks on life, the universe and everything.

Empires

“Watch the left. No, the left. LEFT YOU DUMB FUCKER!”

Not an uncommon turn of phrase in Empires, I’ll admit.

So, Empires is a Half Life 2/Source mod. 1 player per team takes command, and has an RTS like control where they build up a base for their team, while the other players are essentially their ‘units’. Given that these units are human, they don’t always obey orders, and don’t always need them. After a couple of rounds, it’s common to see teams which need no orders issued, and so work cohesively as a force.

Also, the Northern Front tanks are just funny. Kinda like Ork vehicles in Warhammer 40k.

So, it’s multiplayer only, but that’s no big deal. With a good team, it’s an epic game to play. With a bad team, it’s the source of much rage and anger. But really. It’s epic when you can load up a heavy tank with just missiles, no machineguns, no cannons, and make it into a rolling RPG battery. And it’s great for just pelting the enemy base with missiles. Stick an engineer’s ammo crate behind your tank and you have a plentyful ammo supply. Done right, you harrass the enemy base till they send tanks out after you, at which point, freindly forces can smash in and wreck as much as possible.

Or the slow moving siege. Build walls, stick turrets behind em, and use artillery to shell your way in, while heavies attempt to smash through the enemy defences.

The map EMP_MONEY is best for that tactic, though.

In any case, you should try Empires if you get a chance. It’s a nice mod, and well thought through. Even if the learning curve is a little steep.

Fuck you, gnome.

So, roughly a month after reading about the gnome achievement on Half-Life 2: Episode Two, I’ve completed it for myself. Let me reiterate for you: everything you’ve heard about its difficulty is true. Perhaps even understated, come to think of it.

The gnome isn’t exactly in plain view, either; it’s stashed under a low shelf at the very beginning of the game, hidden behind some bottles. Once you find it, you can either pick it up with the Gravity gun, causing you to have that as your weapon of choice if you’re ambushed by an enemy, or with your hands, which at least leaves you with the last weapon ready to go. The bastard is, of course, like any other object in that you can’t sprint while holding it, and it’s prone to being sent flying by enemy gunfire or meelee attacks.

My odyssey began in the mines at the beginning of the game, which were nothing too challenging. The worst part wasn’t so much fighting enemies whilst holding it, it was finding the damn thing in the dimly lit cave, possibly underwater, after the carnage in each room was done. Finally I made it to Griggs and Sheckley, those bantering buffoons. I entrusted the little guy to their care whilst I blew up antlions with hopper mines and turrets. The dude managed to get a bullet hole between the eyes, but it later disappeared. That guy was indestructible, by the way.

Knowing I’d be back here, I left the little fucker next to Alyx. There was no way in hell I was taking him with me while running from the guardian antlion, especially since it would kill my sprint ability — basically the only reason I survived that portion. I got the damn larvae extract, and our happy trio — sorry, quartet — proceeded to the surface. I decided that Mr. Gnome could damn well wait for me to kill the guardians in a safe, lonely, antlion free area. After blowing up the bugs, I grabbed him and activated the lift. Got to the top, and as I turned to enter the next area…

…dropped him off the motherfucking cliff.

You can understand why this post is so profane. I had to jump down the cliff, losing a significant portion of my health (and having the HEV suit blandly inform me that I had a major fracture) to land beside Monsieur Fuckface. Then we rode the lift again. I very carefully carried the bastard to the next section, like a mother cradling her baby. Except mothers usually don’t have babies that ugly, nor do they throw them at mutant headcrabs.

After this, I had to retrieve the car, a souped-up Charger. Having read the informative blog post of one M. Pentadact, I knew the door to this room would only open for a short while, but that it was possible to suck the gnome to me with the Gravity Gun. Mr. Gnome was carefully leaned against the door, so that once I had fought my way through zombies and headcrabs, he would tall over when the door opened, jamming it open, and allowing me to grab him at my leisure. This worked better in theory than practice; Alyx and the Vort knocked him over a few times, causing me to reload from thirty seconds earlier.

This was all cake (delicious and moist cake, BTW) compared to the next challenge, though: driving. Apparently gnomes are able to kill a Combine at twenty paces, yet weigh slightly less than your average packing peanut. He flew out of the car if I even thought about turning. So here I am, sedately walking, throwing the gnome with my gravity gun ahead of me, driving to him, rinsing and repeating.

At about this point, I recalled how everyone had described the chopper scene. I cried a little inside.

Sure enough, Alyx and Gordon kick some Advisor ass, and then the chopper shows up to bum rape me. I actually ended up doing this section not once but twice. Why? Because after it, when I set out to destroy the junkyard autogun, I left the gnome on a perfectly serviceable table in the garage. Upon returning, the table had disappeared. With my fucking gnome. My last save was at the Advisor. Fuck almighty.

So, I did it again, using the tactic of simply driving like hell to get to the train tunnels, loading into the second sequence, then reversing course. Returning to the first sequence caused the chopper to obligingly wait at the opposite end of the tunnel while I drove back and grabbed the pansy gnome and brought him along without getting killed by gunfire.

Next, I discovered that this would not work in the second part. Once the car dies, you can’t get very far from it and Alyx without autofailing. So I had to go back to my gnome tag-team approach — fire gnome wildly ahead, run to car, drive like a Rhode Islander in Providence at 4:30PM on a Friday, and repeat. While getting shot. Not to mention that occasionally, when I would pick up the gnome, the chopper would shoot it out of my hands, spinning it away. I could imagine a malicious, GLaDOS type voice mocking me. The Overwatch probably taped it to show Combine soldiers on their three day passes. I would be making the rounds of Funniest Home Videos for years on the extragalactic circuit.

Defeating the chopper itself (the first time, before losing the gnome) was actually easier. I unlocked the “Putting on a Clinic” Achievement, which was a great ego boost and relief from all the other setbacks. The second time, I was more fatigued. I missed easy shots, and had to reload a few times. Finally it was done. This time, the gnome waited upstairs near the trap door, where there were no scenery changes.

Back in the car again. Oh joy. This was easier though, with no pursuit. I got to replay the quite fun inn ambush, which was made easier by simply using one RPG on a cluster of Hunters, then finishing them off with some close range 12-gauge action. Finally, I was at White Fucking Forest. I didn’t even bother trying to beat Dog. There was no fucking way. I can’t even pull that off without the gnome; I’m a shitty driver to begin with. But hey, the gnome made it!

As soon as I got to the silo, I rushed past Dr. Kleiner (being extremely careful not to drop the gnome down the silo, mind you) and shoved the fatass into the rocket. I then slammed the door on him and Lamarr, and proceeded to cackle manaically.

With that insanity over, now all I must do is defeat the strider sequence. Perhaps I’ll even get the Neighborhood Watch achievement now. After all, it’s got to be easier than the goddamn gnome.

As the year closes…

Well, we’ve already torn through November, and December is flying by just as quickly. 2007 is nearly at an end, and as the sun sets on another 365 days of the random insanity which comprises my life, I have a few reflections:

1. Sleep is overrated. I say this because somehow I’ve been managing since September on a rough average of six or so hours a night. Never would have thought I could do it before, and that’s not to say I particularly enjoy it, but it is possible. Somehow less sleep has not translated into declining health — at least, not yet. Give it another month or so. Conversely, though, you would think I’d be more productive instead of less. Unfortunately, I’ve just increased my workload while my free time has remained constant. If I weren’t so damn busy, I’d find a differential equation to describe it.

2. I don’t need a TV. Right now the only function my television is serving is to take up space on my bookshelf. I don’t have the time to watch shows when they air, meaning I’m forced to stream them online over a crummy connection if they’re even available at all. With TV-Links gone, seemingly for good, there’s not much for me to even watch at present. Therefore, that TV is merely so much useless circuitry.

3. Having money kicks ass. With my first steady job in years, I can finally indulge in some impulse purchases. So far it’s been large quantities of soda and PC games. (On a semi-related note, Half Life 2 has stolen my soul.) I’m no longer permanently hungry either.

4. Returning home for the weekends is pretty awesome. Apparently my parents waited until I left to buy every cool thing they could get their hands on. Thus, when I return home there is a Wii with Guitar Hero, as well as two kickass leather recliners, which were not present before, in addition to the ordinary kickass stuff such as ping-pong tables and foosball.

Those are four of my top thoughts as the year closes. I’m sure I’ll have more later, but I think that ought to suffice for now. Leave comments if you’ve got ‘em.

Stardust, International Markets and rainstorms.

Well, I went to see Stardust today with my sister and my freind Danny.

An awesome film, and one of the few unique stories I’ve seen on the big screen in a long time. The concept of a wall, seperating worlds, is not new, but since Neil Gaiman is probably the main proponent of this idea, with Terry Pratchett being a close second, and the film being based on a Gaiman graphic novel, I think that can be forgiven.

Anyway, on to the international market here in Manchester. Every year, this comes around, and this year is no exception. It’s awful crowded during the weekends, but the food is good, especially the real vanilla fudge. Those of you seeking to bribe me in any way shape or form can’t go wrong with 200g of fudge, especially chocolate fudge.

Also, the German section of the market does real bratwurst. These things are awesome, with sempfh mustard. Really tasty.

And rainstorms. I hate rainstorms. The rain itself is ok, if agrivating. It’s the crowds that annoy me. You always get the fuckwits under their brollies who block up a section of the pavement to chat, and then the moron pushing their way through. I have a twisted ankle thanks to that, from yesterday. And none of the bastards around me helped me up either. Oh well. In any case, I do wish rainstorms wouldn’t occur. Rain is ok, but sudden occurences of 30 gallons of water hitting me from above aren’t.