Random Musings - 3 geeks on life, the universe and everything.

Get Smart Review

Written on September 10, 2008 at 11:00 pm about Films by Paradox
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Well first off this film has received allot of slack by people who don’t seem to realise that you’re not supposed to take this film too seriously. Once past that you might be able to form an opinion. So here is my fuck you to all those reviewers out there that have been brainwashed by spice girls albums and Kiera Knightly.

So let’s set some context:

Spoilers May Follow.

You have been warned.

Cast your mind back to 1960s spy spoof TV series ‘Get Smart’ and the most you’ll remember - if you remember anything at all, of course - is its bumbling hero Maxwell Smart (played by Don Adams) removing his shoe and using it as a phone. True to form, Adams’ big-screen replacement Steve Carell can be found at one point earnestly talking into his size 10. The film rendition also features its own special brand of amusingly implausible Q-style gadgets. But you know those things are ok in this kind of film.

In difference to the TV show it smartly goes its own way, faithful in spirit but charting a new course for Maxwell Smart and company. With Steve Carell in the lead, this Max is a likeable, reliable paper-pushing analyst for spy agency CONTROL, who dreams of one day of becoming a top agent out in the field himself. When CONTROL headquarters is attacked and nearly all the other agents identities are compromised, he gets his chance. The Chief has no choice but to bench his number one, Agent 23, in favour of Max, now Agent 86. Max teams up with Agent 99, a far more competent and experienced agent, in order to thwart the terrorist plans of KAOS, lead by Siegfried and his right-hand man Shtarker. This Get Smart is a full-out action-comedy with the emphasis on action. The actors make all the derring-do and wild on-screen antics believable and some of the gags and lines are rather amusing.

ACTING

Also to distinguish himself from Don Adams, Steve Carell has choose to take his Max in a different direction. This is no imitation at all, but a fully fleshed out bumbling guy with dreams of his own. Carell is very funny trying to deal with gadgets, using code language, getting his signals mixed up and trying to be a decent partner for the much smarter 99. Hathaway makes this 99 a bright woman who is obviously light years ahead of all her male colleagues. Both stars skilfully handle the considerable physical humour required here. Dwayne Johnson continues to show his comic timing as the superstar agent who is grounded against his will. Stamp and Borat’s sidekick Davitian are amusing characters but stuck with rather one-dimensional, over-the-top villain roles. Arkin is perfectly cast as the beleaguered Chief, while James Caan as the U.S. President has little to do but does it well, and of course Bill Murray’s well placed cameo in a tree, sitting, crying, where he belongs.

To be fair, the film is slightly more concerned with action than it is with comedy, which means that the gag rate isn’t quite as high as it should have been. But I can forgive the film for that as the action is competent and parts of the film stand out as being good.

Get Smart is an entertaining comedy thriller that should please fans and newcomers alike.

(P.S. Fuck You reviewers that I read. I won’t name you for legal reasons but you know who you are)

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

Written on August 20, 2008 at 8:29 pm about Films, Musing by Paradox
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My opening statement is that this is a mediocre movie, but an absolutely atrocious sequel.

Spoilers may follow. But don’t worry if you see this movie your eyes will fall out and burry themselves in your ass so read it here and save your eyes.

Perhaps the first clue that this movie was destined for the dumpster should have been Rachel Weisz deciding not to reprise her role as Evey over issues with the script. She had to be replaced by Maria Bello and my god whoever decided that was obviously snorting something brown and five hundered years old.

Here is an example of how crazy this gets:

Brendan Fraser rides a horse made out of rock and molten lava through a Chinese City during Chinese New Year, while Jet Li peels off his face and throws it at his would-be attackers.

I know what you’re thinking: “Is the director smoking crack?”

Well, yes I think he was.

The plot focuses on Jet Li’s mummified Immortal Chinese Emperor who is accidentally awoken, and it’s up to our heroes to stop him before he manages to raise his invincible terracotta army…

But wait he’s not immortal until he gets to a spa in the Himalayas which looks like the place from the second film with a golden statue of Buddha, there is two guardians who are 3000 years old and immortal for no apparent reason. And his invincible army is not so invincible until after it crosses the Great Wall of China and is actually as tough as a china vase…

I can’t go on, THIS SHIT IS BANNANAS!

Is it just me or is the same drivel we’ve seen many many times in the bargain bin at blockbusters?

Fraser is his normal, perfectly affable self, here supposedly “older”, though the poor make-up can’t conceal his youthful features and Bello does a more than decent job filling in for Weisz, in the same way a polar bears fills in for a zebra. Maria Bello is to Rachel Weisz as I am to Muhammad Ali.

Hannah here is fairly wasted, used only to snipe from the sidelines and offer incredibly inane one-liners (I did feel at one point that if everyone would shut up for five seconds, instead of commentating on absolutely everything, or offering up glib quips, that the fighting might go just that tad bit easier). Speaking of which, Jet Li is also fairly underused, with the final face-off between his Mummy Emperor and Rick O’Connell feeling more than a little underwhelming.

Let’s now tackle Luke Ford, to the ground, and beat him.

The son of Rick and Evey Mk II. I don’t know whether to blame the script or him but either way the whole subplot of “healing the father-son relationship” hurts me like fire, it’s painful.

As for Chinese history and culture … well, I know the Mummy doesn’t follow historical accuracy but at least the last two where based on fact. This film is very hanging off the bones.

Just to re-iterate this quote: “Rachel Weisz announced that she will not be reprising her role of Evelyn due to different interests with the screenplay.” Yes, I can see her point. She got off the sinking ship.

So at this point the director wants to spice things up, so add an element of danger that will keep you on the verge of consciousness, Li’s Emperor has the ability to control all the elements, and turn into anything he likes, this part is very much like Reign of Fire meets Lord Of The Rings.

Did I mention there are Yetis in this film?

Yup, Yetis turn up and fight on the side of good against Li’s evil minions, adding barely any weight to the CGI-Heavy, soulless mess that the film has turned out to be.

This film ups the ante in terms of special effects and action, but there’s an undeniably tired air. The action isn’t used to advance the story but to delay it. Tomb of the Dragon Emperor tells a tiny story. The heroes go one place.

Then they go to another place.

Then they meet up with the bad guy.

There’s a showdown.

Frankly this story could have been told in 45 minutes; Instead, Tomb stretches this little bonbon of a plot into 112 minutes.

Coming off far worse is a newly brunet Bello, who appears distinctly uncomfortable in the action sequences and who sports an unfortunate British accent to boot.

I really don’t feel I can destroy this film any further and so I shall end by saying I feel this film would be improved by saying its called The Mummy 3: Curse of the Emperor Penguin.

National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets.

Written on August 10, 2008 at 3:13 pm about Films by Paradox
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Let me begin by saying that I saw the first one and thought despite the fact it’s a lovechild of Indiana Jones (Which on a side note has now launched itself in a hydraulic powered flip off the tracks into a nearby barn, then spontaneously combusted) and despite the fact Disney has yet to grasp certain aspects of historical consistency I did like it in the mesmarised braindead sort of way. National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets is the same shit with a bigger budget, less enthusiasm, less mercenaries and more extinct native American populates.

More opinions to follow after this warning:

Spoilers May Follow.

You have been warned.

Like I said I have seen the previous National Treasure, and armed with that memory and the knowledge that this is a Disney movie, I watched its sequel without a great deal of expectations.

The first thing to catch my attention is that it contains gargantuan amounts of predictable adventure drivel to the point where I accurately predicted what was going to happen. A note to Disney here is diverse situations are the way forward. Now I know it’s slightly Clichéd but this really is Indiana Jones with the action sucked out.

However this aside there is two major problems with this film I want to write about here so I’ll get straight to them:

(1) it doesn’t make any sense

(2) The acting is awful.

On (1), I really don’t mean to nitpick on historical minutiae, hell I’d be happy to suspend disbelief for two hours on topics such as Lincoln’s assassination, Mayan treasures, Mount Rushmore geography, and all that other nonsense, no problem there. But the point of a treasure hunt movie is the ability to follow the main character in his struggle, perhaps struggle with him, see him figure things out and perhaps guess with him. This first movie achieved this to some degree. However its offspring sequel hasn’t lived up to its parent.

For the treasure hunting and clever figuring out of clues relies on consistence. The universe of the movie doesn’t have to be consistent with the world we live in, but it has to be consistent with itself. But the universe of this movie is like a great big fairy tale, and a fairy tale on Prozac at that. It quite often has the central character pulling white rabbits out of his sleeve whenever he needs them, they seem to crop up more often than not and have the power of Ret-Con.

Another qualm I have with this movie is action and drama, or more precisely the lack of. Yes the movie tries its hand at some drama, but it just doesn’t work. Things go pretty smoothly for the most part, into the Queen’s office, out of it again, oops, we are being chased, heck, let’s take a photo, oh no camera, ah, there is a traffic camera, yep and by the way, can you just hack into the computer and download the picture without a physical access terminal to the central network like we do, oh every day. Then it’s onto the next event, Repeat previous events getting into the oval office, then again when kidnapping the president.

Meanwhile the hero manages to MacGyver his way through an increasingly preposterous story. You get the feeling that it might have been better if he had not stolen the Constitution in part 1, so the writers would not have to top this. This in itself makes me cringe at the fact Disney announced a third and possibly a 4^th, meaning that by the time we get to the 4^th it will have escalated to the point where we are on mars fighting cybernetic Dinosaurs for gods pyjamas.

Back in the second all I have to say about the ‘villain’ is he’s lame and for the most part useless, not to mention somewhat incoherent.

None of the story really makes the slightest bit of sense, including the motivation of the hero. To clear the name of his great-great-grandfather he risks his life, the life of friends and loved ones, his own good name (Again) by kidnapping the president and even breaks into his own house to steal his ex-girlfriends card key so he can gain access to a page that may or may not contain the secret of ages all based on a hunch.

At this point it’s all becoming a steaming pile of nonsense aimed at people who really do not give a damn about storylines, consistence, and coherence and are possible into cranial intrusion. It requires the target audience to want nothing more than a lot of movement/action, high-tech gobbledygook, explosions, and cheap patriotism. Call me needy but I’d like an interesting, involving storyline, believable characters and humour, dark or otherwise.

However, as bad as the story was point number (2), the bad acting, I’m afraid to say, is even worse. Everybody in this movie was disappointing, even a non-actor like Kruger. Her career should end with this movie, over, out, finite. She cannot do it, and it’s not been for a lack of opportunity. If you had a consistent record of failure like hers in any regular job, you’d find yourself with a lot of spare time very soon.

But even the real actors here just make you cringe, Greenwood, Harris, Mirren, Voight, they all deliver horrible performances that seem to betray their lack of passion and their paycheck mentality. Since we know they *can* act, we have seen it before, but they just don’t in this movie. It seems to suggest to me there trying to convey the message “WE HATE THESE MOVIES, SAVE US, STOP WATCHING THEM!”. Keitel comes away without much harm, his part is so tiny, there just isn’t a lot of opportunity to screw things up too badly.

My Question at the end of this is why oh why do they keep making this fluff?

Because for some reason we attend it. We go there, drop our cash, and watch this nonsense. I am free of guilt here as my parents bought it and I got curious. But if you haven’t seen it, you and your money can still make a difference. Watch a good movie. There are plenty out there. In the DVD collections from 20 years ago.

And now I go to polish my tiny scrunched up cynical heart.

Long time, no spawling ramble of doom

Written on July 8, 2008 at 2:51 pm about Films, General, Life, Pen and Paper Role Playing, Tabletop Wargames, Video Gaming by Chris
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So, I guess we really need to learn to update this more often, huh?

Anyway, it’s time for another installment of happy ramble funtime and stuff. Only, you know, the first 4 words of that statement are false. So just stuff.

So first off.

“In a mad world, only the mad are sane”

Elements of my life seem to have converged to be confusing, aggravating and stressful. I’ve had ups, downs, side to sides and all sorts of other directions. Kind of like a yoyo wielded by a maddened bear. But it looks like someone disarmed Bobo. I just hope that someone isn’t a bearlock…

But yes, life has once again calmed down. Admittedly, I’ve been stuck at home for nearing 2 weeks now, thanks to a pickpocket and the staff at GMPTE, who seem not to know the meaning of the word ’speed’. This may have contributed, since other than when I can actually afford to, I have avoided going out.

I’ve started writing a supplement for 4th edition Dungeons And Dragons. Label me a geek, but frankly, that’s a label I’ll wear with pride. Either way, it’s something to do. And frankly, designing a world is fun.

Ok, I think I’m gonna move on to other gaming areas.

Video game wise, I’ve finally reached rank 55 on COD4. At least on my primary account. Keep your eyes open for “BlackLiger” or “Warlord”, since those are what I tend to use. I’m trying to gain the other achievements, not that it’s easy.

Some of these achievements, however, look impossible unless you’re really lucky. I mean, I only got “On the edge” by throwing a grenade INTO a building while the enemy shot me through the wall (get 3 or more kills while near death).

Tabletop game wise, I’ve gotten into playing Horrorclix. It’s a nice little game system, with some inventive ideas. And it’s fun, and funny. I’ve got an actual hero team together, finally, with a squad of ’special forces’ and their commander, Major Harper. These guys aren’t brilliant, but they are powerful if used right. And they are funny, because like all steriotyped horror movie ‘heros’, the bigger the gun, the less damage they do, except in rare circumstances (Named heros, for example).

And movies. Movies I can rant about. For starters, KUNG FU PANDA IS A BUCKET OF AWESOME WITH EXTRA AWESOME! Seriously, I’m a fan of Jack Black films anyway, but Kung Fu Panda is EXCELLENT. It’s certainly in the list of films I’ve got to acquire at some point.

“There is no secret ingredient”

Next, well, The Inedible Mulch…. Uh.. I mean Incredible Hulk. DAMN this is actually an awesome movie. People who downbeat it seem to have gone in expecting far more than the Hulk ever COULD give. He’s the HULK, people, not Dr Strange. His ’shtick’ is to find a monster and hammer it into the floor repeatedly. You want to watch a thinky movie, try something other that a ‘comic book action hero’ movie.

And in the same vein, Iron Man wasn’t too bad. I want a computer like that, if nothing else, for lazyness purposes. And to build me a multi billion dollar super suit which can beat up tanks with little effort, obviously…

And of course, finally:

Welcome James to our little blog here. He’s our newest writer, and about as sane as 2 wet cats stuck in a sack. And that’s before we go into the releasing pheromones that make them more aggressive.

Applications to join our blogging bunch can be submitted to “Info@Spartalive.net” once you’ve registered on this blog itself.

The First Day Of The Rest Of Your Measely Life

Written on July 3, 2008 at 1:28 pm about Films, General, Video Gaming by Paradox
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So here it is my debut post.

Where to begin, Well for starters if you are reading this you must be bored, and I mean bored on a dire scale. You can feel it pouring in through the pours, sweat glands and orifices as you read this dribble of utter pointlessness. It would take someone on the brink of an expansive pit of nothingness to even try and lift their head out of a drowning torrent of suffering brought about by the mounting and prolonged idleness and depravity you all harbour.

If you’re still with me congratulations, you get a cookie.

Now on to more important issues. Yes question that has plagued man for years.

How long will valve delay their next game?

It is inevitable that they will delay it; it is an un-shakeable law of the universe. In the event that one of their games is released when they say it will be the universe will inevitably collapse in upon itself, and it’s all valves fault. However the game itself does look promising and that’s a good sign.

Ok films

In recent years my faith in the film industry has slowly degraded and in many ways watching Indiana Jones 4 drove the final stake through the black charred heap that is my cynical heart. However hope is yet kindled by the upcoming event that is the new batman film. The last one being rather good and this one promising to be even better. The joker is obviously the most evil character ever to exist as its portrayer promptly removed himself from any legal bonds to play him ever again.

Well that about covers it for now I’ll be writing more specific postings later.

Cloverfield — Monster Masterpiece

Written on February 6, 2008 at 2:49 pm about Films by Tom
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I had high expectations going into Cloverfield. Having heard from several people about the high quality special effects, dramatic camera work, and overall good acting, I was prepared to be stunned — or so I thought. I hadn’t realized until I entered the theatre that the entire film was shot from a single Handi-Cam, giving it a homemade, Blair Witch feel to it. The dramatic cuts between old and new segments of tape worked well in increasing suspense, by giving the impression that the main character, Hub, was fumbling with the camera. Another great idea was in using the flashlight and night-vision on the cam to add more drama to darker scenes. There’s many more examples I could give; suffice to say that this was an idea done to its full potential.

The monster design and SFX were also very impressive. I had seen no promo shots of the monster itself, so my mental slate was clean. All I knew was that it was large. This was indeed true, but what I didn’t expect was the spiderlike feel it had to it. As I hate spiders, this made the movie that much better for me. I was able to suspend my usual disbelief of “Oh, there’s no way that could evolve” until the end of the movie. The only complaint I had was in the use of the mini-monsters. The idea of parasitic aliens has been done to death. Hollywood needs a new idea there. Still, it worked for this movie.

The final climactic ending, along with the cryptic message after the end credits, really made this a great movie for me. I didn’t expect or want a cliched ‘happy ending,’ and I was satisfied in that regard. All in all, a five star blitz.

Stardust, International Markets and rainstorms.

Written on December 1, 2007 at 10:12 pm about Films, Food, General by Chris
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Well, I went to see Stardust today with my sister and my freind Danny.

An awesome film, and one of the few unique stories I’ve seen on the big screen in a long time. The concept of a wall, seperating worlds, is not new, but since Neil Gaiman is probably the main proponent of this idea, with Terry Pratchett being a close second, and the film being based on a Gaiman graphic novel, I think that can be forgiven.

Anyway, on to the international market here in Manchester. Every year, this comes around, and this year is no exception. It’s awful crowded during the weekends, but the food is good, especially the real vanilla fudge. Those of you seeking to bribe me in any way shape or form can’t go wrong with 200g of fudge, especially chocolate fudge.

Also, the German section of the market does real bratwurst. These things are awesome, with sempfh mustard. Really tasty.

And rainstorms. I hate rainstorms. The rain itself is ok, if agrivating. It’s the crowds that annoy me. You always get the fuckwits under their brollies who block up a section of the pavement to chat, and then the moron pushing their way through. I have a twisted ankle thanks to that, from yesterday. And none of the bastards around me helped me up either. Oh well. In any case, I do wish rainstorms wouldn’t occur. Rain is ok, but sudden occurences of 30 gallons of water hitting me from above aren’t.