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Five Reasons Artemis Fowl Kicks Edward Cullen’s Ass

Written on July 27, 2008 at 5:40 pm about Books, General by Tom
6 Comments

I’m going to start this list with a disclaimer : I’m only about a third of the way through Twilight. (UPDATE: I’ve finished, and yes, it was terrible.) And oh God is it slow going. It’s become the reading version of push-ups : you’re doing it to prove a point even though at this point it’s becoming unbearable.

But I feel such a list is necessary, since about 97% of the female population think this Cullen chap is just the best thing since sliced bread and twice as sexy. (The other 3% either have better taste in literature or are functionally illiterate.) So without further ado, and in no particular order, here’s the top 5 reasons Artemis Fowl would wipe the floor with Edward Cullen.

1. Money

Everyone knows that money is a powerful aphrodaisic. Well, Artemis is rolling in it. The family fortune is in the billionaire leagues, and includes a Learjet, a mansion in Ireland, and all sorts of neat gadgets. Think the iPhone on steroids. Then there’s the fact that Artemis has a manservant who doubles as a bodyguard and chauffeur. Edward drives a freaking Volvo. Sure, maybe it’s better in crashes, but in terms of raw awesome factor (measured in the SI unit of freaking sweet per square meter), Artemis’s Bentley wins hands down. It’s hardly even a competition here.

2. Brains

Artemis is a certified genius. He’s recieved multiple university degrees already; from what I’ve read up to in Twilight, Edward is comfortable with attending Washington State U. Artemis captured a magical fairy at only 12 years old. Edward can’t even keep his vampire powers secret from a ditzy girl. Einstein himself would probably be astounded by the sheer immensity of Artemis’s cerebral powerhouse. And think about this, ladies — with that much brainpower, you’d never have to worry about a forgotten birthday or anniversary ever again. He’d know the perfect gift to get you for any occasion (and with the aforementioned money, it would be sure to impress). Let’s face it, it doesn’t get much better than that.

And for those of you who think that Edward would just beat the everlovin’ snot out of Artemis, the way the football jocks pounded chess club kids in high school…

3. Toughness

I can practically predict the responses to this. “Edward fights bears and mountain lions with his bare hands!” Yeah? Big friggin’ whoop. He’s got superhuman strength. That’s like being impressed with a major-league baseball player beating a Little League team. And if you just thought to yourself that you’d like to see that, you’re a dick who enjoys ruining small children’s dreams. Yes, you.

Now let’s consider. Artemis might not be physically tough. But he’s gone toe-to-toe with some of the toughest villians imaginable and come out on top. Trolls, mafia thugs, and superpowerful magical beings. For crying out loud, the kid shot his own father in order to save his life. That’s more like one kid from Little League beating the Red Sox and the Yankees. Much more impressive, and a hell of a lot more entertaining to see.

4. Sexiness

Apparently Edward Cullen is oh-so-sexy because he’s a vampire. In the promo shots I’ve seen for the movie, he looks like a sun-deprived man-child who listens to Fall Out Boy and steals his older sister’s makeup. If you think that’s sexy…well, you’re probably an emo girl who’s mad that I just insulted Fall Out Boy, and I have no friggin’ idea why you’re reading my blog. Go away.

Now, Artemis, though….firstly, there’s the fact that he’s a sharp dresser. Always decked out to the nines in designer suits. Half of the girls out there can’t even get their boyfriends to shave regularly or put on a shirt with buttons. Then of course there’s the accent. You cannot tell me that you don’t melt inside when you hear an Irish accent. Why do you think people like Sean Connery and Pierce Brosnan consistently are voted Sexiest Man Alive Ever for Eternity? (And yes, I recognize that there are differences not only between the different parts of the UK, but even within individual countries…but you still can’t deny that they’re all sexy.)

Then you have to remember that while Edward looks 17, he’s really a centuries old undead man. You know how creeped out you get when an old guy leers at you in line at the supermarket? Multiply that by about ten billion and you’ll be getting close to how disgusting this is. It’s like making out with the Mummy. Look what happened to the chick from that movie — eaten alive by bugs.

Always remember, ladies, making out with ancient evil beings equates to a horrible, horrible death. Always.

5. Availability

Let’s consider what we know about good looking guys, from our observations of the world.

A. They’re consistently being chased by several girls at once.

B. They’re consistently chasing several girls at once.

I call this the Pimpp-Mannwhor Hypothesis. Its corrollary, the Doosh-Bagg Theorem, is left as an exercise to the reader.

Think about it, ladies. Why compete with a bunch of other girls for a man who will never lack for female attention? What happens when someone new comes along? Instead, doesn’t it make much more sense to go for the slightly less Adonis-like, yet still not bad on the eyes man? Of course, if you’re superficial enough that a man’s looks are a primary concern for you, this high-level logic is above you anyways.

Well, there you have it. Five perfectly valid reasons that Artemis Fowl would totally trash Edward Cullen any day of the week. Now I’m going to wait for the hate mail from all the fangirls from the English-speaking portions of the world. If you enjoyed this post, good. Read more of this blog, and wait for more updates. If you didn’t enjoy it, then it’s probably because you’re one of those fangirls. Now leave me alone, I have to continue working on shamelessly ripping off Yahtzee.