Random Musings - 3 geeks on life, the universe and everything.

Random Drabbles

I don’t have enough thoughts here to merit one entire post, but I do have a few self-contained nuggets. So, direct from my cranium, here it is!

Firstly, I’ve been working on a webcomic. You can check it out on this same domain, over at http://atomiccomic.spartalive.net It’s pretty badass. Or pretty bad, depending on your definition. Without giving away upcoming story developments, it centers around a group of young college students (uni students, for the UK readers). It’s NOT a CAD gaming comic ripoff though — mine is more hard-science fiction centered, with the focus on plot, not humor.

My good friend Jack Ryder also has a webcomic of his own, at http://zarroff.spartalive.net, and it’s also quite excellent. A bit melodramatic but always amusing, it chronicles the exploits of one Baron Zarroff and his crusade against evil.

Next on the agenda, I see we have a reply from “OMGITSFREAKINEDWARDCULLEN….” I’m curious as to how she found this website — StumbleUpon? Link from a friend? Act of God? Whatever it is, you seem to have some very odd notions. Firstly, are men not allowed to judge the relative attractiveness of other men? Personally I think Brendan Frasier is pretty damn sexy, am I not allowed to think that?

Secondly, I don’t owe you a fair fight. It’s my (well, our) blog, and the onus is on you to defend your own position. As for a ‘fantastic’ comment, if you consider allcaps fantastic you’re just another reason I need to continue my plan to enslave all humans under 20. You’re already slaves to pop culture anyways; I’d prefer making you my minions. After all, with a total lack of English comprehension, you’re ripe for mind control.

Your homophobic slant in your comments makes me wonder as to your geographic location — I’m extrapolating that you’re from down south or out west, where we have such loonies as Fred Phelps wandering about. Does the thought of homosexuality bother you? Frighten you? Maybe my next post will be on that. I do find it ironic that you find a boy portrayed (at least in the movie previews) as intensely feminine to be attractive whilst decrying me as a ‘lezbo’ (which I suppose, since I like women, is technically accurate. Eddie Izzard would appreciate it.)

In short, I welcome further comments from you, as it lets me vent my spleen upon you, and generates more traffic.

In closing…fucking chip dip cans, with lids that are narrow at the top! Once you’ve eaten most of it, you get your hands coated in dip trying to get the dip at the bottom! Make them conical! Expand the radius with the height so my hands don’t get dippy! HOW HARD IS IT?

Get Smart Review

Well first off this film has received allot of slack by people who don’t seem to realise that you’re not supposed to take this film too seriously. Once past that you might be able to form an opinion. So here is my fuck you to all those reviewers out there that have been brainwashed by spice girls albums and Kiera Knightly.

So let’s set some context:

Spoilers May Follow.

You have been warned.

Cast your mind back to 1960s spy spoof TV series ‘Get Smart’ and the most you’ll remember - if you remember anything at all, of course - is its bumbling hero Maxwell Smart (played by Don Adams) removing his shoe and using it as a phone. True to form, Adams’ big-screen replacement Steve Carell can be found at one point earnestly talking into his size 10. The film rendition also features its own special brand of amusingly implausible Q-style gadgets. But you know those things are ok in this kind of film.

In difference to the TV show it smartly goes its own way, faithful in spirit but charting a new course for Maxwell Smart and company. With Steve Carell in the lead, this Max is a likeable, reliable paper-pushing analyst for spy agency CONTROL, who dreams of one day of becoming a top agent out in the field himself. When CONTROL headquarters is attacked and nearly all the other agents identities are compromised, he gets his chance. The Chief has no choice but to bench his number one, Agent 23, in favour of Max, now Agent 86. Max teams up with Agent 99, a far more competent and experienced agent, in order to thwart the terrorist plans of KAOS, lead by Siegfried and his right-hand man Shtarker. This Get Smart is a full-out action-comedy with the emphasis on action. The actors make all the derring-do and wild on-screen antics believable and some of the gags and lines are rather amusing.

ACTING

Also to distinguish himself from Don Adams, Steve Carell has choose to take his Max in a different direction. This is no imitation at all, but a fully fleshed out bumbling guy with dreams of his own. Carell is very funny trying to deal with gadgets, using code language, getting his signals mixed up and trying to be a decent partner for the much smarter 99. Hathaway makes this 99 a bright woman who is obviously light years ahead of all her male colleagues. Both stars skilfully handle the considerable physical humour required here. Dwayne Johnson continues to show his comic timing as the superstar agent who is grounded against his will. Stamp and Borat’s sidekick Davitian are amusing characters but stuck with rather one-dimensional, over-the-top villain roles. Arkin is perfectly cast as the beleaguered Chief, while James Caan as the U.S. President has little to do but does it well, and of course Bill Murray’s well placed cameo in a tree, sitting, crying, where he belongs.

To be fair, the film is slightly more concerned with action than it is with comedy, which means that the gag rate isn’t quite as high as it should have been. But I can forgive the film for that as the action is competent and parts of the film stand out as being good.

Get Smart is an entertaining comedy thriller that should please fans and newcomers alike.

(P.S. Fuck You reviewers that I read. I won’t name you for legal reasons but you know who you are)

Like a phoenix, I rise again. And again. And again. And a … holy crap, I’m on FIRE!!! AHHHHHH!

Well, after Tom’s cheerful rant below, I figured it was time to share an update of my own.

Well, it’s notable that the Salford WARPS should be reasonably secure for this year. Hopefully the student union takes it’s thumb out of it’s ass and actually gets some advertising up. After a while of negociation and checking, it appears we require 15 student members to be ratified as an official society. Since we have 10 with just the guaranteed re-sign ups from last year, that’s not too difficult an issue, since the union appears to have woken up to the idea that they need to actually make sure the societies have ROOM to work in.

In addition, Phoenix, my DnD4th ed modification, continues at a steady pace. It’ll be ready for testing come the new university year, anyway. Barring any exceptional circumstances, I should be ready to work on a 2nd stage book set (The Titans Manual, Campaign Guide and Academy Training book) after this first test (Which is the UNMC player’s handbook, the vehicle manual (New and unique), the field inteligence guide (Monster Manual equivalent) and the GM’s manual). I’m also working on several stories in the setting, which should be interesting.  At the time of writing, I also have an initial scenario written up to 4th level, and plans for beyond that point in note form.

Unlike DnD, Phoenix is intended for an episodic campaign, dropping in at the key points in the character’s lifetime, as opposed to a continual campaign. This means GMs can limit what equipment the players get, as well as ensure that even if the campaign is going to cover several years, players don’t spend lots of time sat around twiddling their thumbs.

Anyway, in other areas, I’m generally doing ok. Probably re-sitting the year at university, but that’s not really a big supprise, and to be frank, I’d actually prefer it in some ways. Obviously not the cost, but most ways, I’m fine with it.

Oh, and in a final bit of news, Manchester has officially recieved 1 year’s worth of rain in a month, as of now.

Fuck my life.

The title of this post seems to be my motto nowadays. As much as I hate to admit this, even online, I think I’m fighting the big D. There’s no logical reason for it — things are going better than ever for me to anyone looking in from the outside. I’m back at school, my classes are all good — fuck, my family’s even putting a nice addition on the house. I have squat to bitch about compared to plenty of other people.

And yet…and yet, I’m not happy.  I feel lonelier than ever, in fact. As much as I deride people who act ‘emo,’ I find myself slipping into a funk. And it’s all centered around one thing — my utter failure to find that perfect girl. Yeah, I know, people who measure their happiness by having a girlfriend are losers. Well fuck you, whoever said that, cause this isn’t about status or peer pressure or society. This is human loneliness, plain and simple. Hell, the only reason I can even write this here is because no one reads this blog; it might as well be a journal.

I mean, for fuck’s sake, I meet the perfect kind of girl that I’ve been holding out for for literally years, and still I strike out. And this shouldn’t bother me because I have 18 years of striking out under my belt. I should be a pro at letting go and moving on. But I can’t. I’ve slowly over time lost that ability to go “Oh well, plenty others out there.” Because guess what? There aren’t.

Oh, sure, there’s a lot of females out there, but that’s just statistics. What I mean is similar personalities. Common souls, if you want to get philisophical about it. There’s next to zero people out there like me, it seems, or at least not here in New England. You know what a big stumbling block is? Smart girls. Yep, call me sexist, but I have a real hell of a time finding a girl I can actually talk to about geeky things I find interesting. I’m telling you, they don’t freaking exist.

Part of it might be normal hormones and shit, freaking out and telling me I’ve gotta pass on the ol’ genes, but part of it’s just the fact that, aside from a couple of friendly hugs here and there, I don’t get any kind of real physical intimacy with anybody. And I don’t mean intimacy in the adult sense, either. I’m talking basic human contact here. I might as well be in a biohazard suit. It sounds stupid even to type it, but…I just want to be held. I want someone to hold hands with and hug and caress. And it’s just getting harder to go on without that.

If this makes me some kind of unmasculine girly-man, so be it. If you’re going to accuse me of being hypocritical and emo, go ahead and get it out of your system. All I can say is that I can’t keep living like this. I’ll go crazy. It’s really only a matter of time. The hair-trigger temper that I’ve managed to subdue for so many years is resurging again. The propensity to get pissed off at the drop of a hat, the sudden loss of all reason and desire to just break something or someone, the barely held back crying jag…It’s all stuff no one ever sees, I think, because I’ve grown very good at hiding it over the years.

As I said earlier, I don’t like admitting that I’m an unhappy person. I used to think that denying it would keep it from getting worse, and keep me from wallowing in unhappiness. Now I hope that acknowledging it will help me fight it off. Because I can’t deny it any more. Normal people don’t wake up and immediately try to fall back asleep, because they prefer the dream they were having to reality. Normal people don’t wonder if it’d be better to get hit by a bus crossing the street. Normal people don’t sit in their car, alone, and scream, because if they don’t they’d explode from all the repressed anger and sadness and tears. I’ve crossed that line, the point of no return, where I have to admit that something is seriously wrong here.

I don’t want to seem melodramatic. I’m not doing this to look for sympathy — if I was, I wouldn’t be posting this to an unread blog. This is meant to be more catharsis for me. It’s a free shrink, a stranger to listen to my problems, where I don’t have to worry about them being a part of them. It’s an electronic Freud, putting me on the couch. I don’t want your “it’ll get better” and “You’re a great guy, just be patient” and “Someday you’ll find the right person.” I just need to get this off my chest, before I haul off and start smashing up my car with a tire iron or something.

And that’s the thing, that maybe I want to break stuff and hit things, because at least then you’d notice me. At least then you’d see that I’m here. You’d know I exist, I could prove it. I broke that window, see! I’m here, I’ve always been here. That’s what it seems to come down to. That’s why I’m ‘that guy’ in class, the one with the bad jokes and the snarky comments. Because any attention is better than no attention. Because maybe if I’m clever enough you’ll love me. Because maybe if I make you laugh you’ll see I’m better than the rest of those guys.

That’ll never happen though, because it seems to me, and some of my mates as well, that as much as women complain about chivalry being dead, us nice guys still finish last. As much as you tell us you’re looking for a sweet, sensitive, intelligent guy, you keep on going for the football captain and prom king. As much as you complain about the latest jerk move your boyfriend pulled, you never see us as anything outside the friend zone.

Anyways, I really hope this funk of mine ends sooner rather than later, or at the very least I can stay busy enough to stay ahead of it.

So, while Tom and James work on ripping off Yhatzee….

I’ve been doing other crap.

First off, I’ve been helping organize the Salford WARPS for the new year. Since, unlike last year, the event’s officer isn’t 100% on the ball, (the events officer for the student union last year is it’s President this year) my job is distinctly more difficult that I would like. Between our domain expiring and trying to get sorted for the fresher’s fair, I’d rather shoot myself than continue to deal with it, in some ways. Or the union…. you know, that’s not such a bad plan. I wonder how much the severed head of a union exec goes for on ebay.

Second off, it appears that my sanity has slowly danced away with the penguins. Amongst others. So I’m actually beginning to be able to put an ending to 1 of my role playing games I’m running, which had (with player character help occasionally) wandered so far off the beaten track that it’s punched through a small city on it’s way to the goal. And then around the goal in an ever tightening spiral. Hopefully they’ll realize what the end aim of the story was sometime before next session, and I can then get it done with.

And third, I’ve been working on far too many game designs. This may be the cause of the second point, in fact, but I’ve designed an entire tabletop war game or 2 over the past month, begun writing a 4th ed DnD supplement, which I’ll share samples of over time, and also written up a campaign for said supplement.

So expect a few more random posts out of me as my sanity drains. Now, go away, I’m trying to invade Russia in peace.

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

My opening statement is that this is a mediocre movie, but an absolutely atrocious sequel.

Spoilers may follow. But don’t worry if you see this movie your eyes will fall out and burry themselves in your ass so read it here and save your eyes.

Perhaps the first clue that this movie was destined for the dumpster should have been Rachel Weisz deciding not to reprise her role as Evey over issues with the script. She had to be replaced by Maria Bello and my god whoever decided that was obviously snorting something brown and five hundered years old.

Here is an example of how crazy this gets:

Brendan Fraser rides a horse made out of rock and molten lava through a Chinese City during Chinese New Year, while Jet Li peels off his face and throws it at his would-be attackers.

I know what you’re thinking: “Is the director smoking crack?”

Well, yes I think he was.

The plot focuses on Jet Li’s mummified Immortal Chinese Emperor who is accidentally awoken, and it’s up to our heroes to stop him before he manages to raise his invincible terracotta army…

But wait he’s not immortal until he gets to a spa in the Himalayas which looks like the place from the second film with a golden statue of Buddha, there is two guardians who are 3000 years old and immortal for no apparent reason. And his invincible army is not so invincible until after it crosses the Great Wall of China and is actually as tough as a china vase…

I can’t go on, THIS SHIT IS BANNANAS!

Is it just me or is the same drivel we’ve seen many many times in the bargain bin at blockbusters?

Fraser is his normal, perfectly affable self, here supposedly “older”, though the poor make-up can’t conceal his youthful features and Bello does a more than decent job filling in for Weisz, in the same way a polar bears fills in for a zebra. Maria Bello is to Rachel Weisz as I am to Muhammad Ali.

Hannah here is fairly wasted, used only to snipe from the sidelines and offer incredibly inane one-liners (I did feel at one point that if everyone would shut up for five seconds, instead of commentating on absolutely everything, or offering up glib quips, that the fighting might go just that tad bit easier). Speaking of which, Jet Li is also fairly underused, with the final face-off between his Mummy Emperor and Rick O’Connell feeling more than a little underwhelming.

Let’s now tackle Luke Ford, to the ground, and beat him.

The son of Rick and Evey Mk II. I don’t know whether to blame the script or him but either way the whole subplot of “healing the father-son relationship” hurts me like fire, it’s painful.

As for Chinese history and culture … well, I know the Mummy doesn’t follow historical accuracy but at least the last two where based on fact. This film is very hanging off the bones.

Just to re-iterate this quote: “Rachel Weisz announced that she will not be reprising her role of Evelyn due to different interests with the screenplay.” Yes, I can see her point. She got off the sinking ship.

So at this point the director wants to spice things up, so add an element of danger that will keep you on the verge of consciousness, Li’s Emperor has the ability to control all the elements, and turn into anything he likes, this part is very much like Reign of Fire meets Lord Of The Rings.

Did I mention there are Yetis in this film?

Yup, Yetis turn up and fight on the side of good against Li’s evil minions, adding barely any weight to the CGI-Heavy, soulless mess that the film has turned out to be.

This film ups the ante in terms of special effects and action, but there’s an undeniably tired air. The action isn’t used to advance the story but to delay it. Tomb of the Dragon Emperor tells a tiny story. The heroes go one place.

Then they go to another place.

Then they meet up with the bad guy.

There’s a showdown.

Frankly this story could have been told in 45 minutes; Instead, Tomb stretches this little bonbon of a plot into 112 minutes.

Coming off far worse is a newly brunet Bello, who appears distinctly uncomfortable in the action sequences and who sports an unfortunate British accent to boot.

I really don’t feel I can destroy this film any further and so I shall end by saying I feel this film would be improved by saying its called The Mummy 3: Curse of the Emperor Penguin.

National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets.

Let me begin by saying that I saw the first one and thought despite the fact it’s a lovechild of Indiana Jones (Which on a side note has now launched itself in a hydraulic powered flip off the tracks into a nearby barn, then spontaneously combusted) and despite the fact Disney has yet to grasp certain aspects of historical consistency I did like it in the mesmarised braindead sort of way. National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets is the same shit with a bigger budget, less enthusiasm, less mercenaries and more extinct native American populates.

More opinions to follow after this warning:

Spoilers May Follow.

You have been warned.

Like I said I have seen the previous National Treasure, and armed with that memory and the knowledge that this is a Disney movie, I watched its sequel without a great deal of expectations.

The first thing to catch my attention is that it contains gargantuan amounts of predictable adventure drivel to the point where I accurately predicted what was going to happen. A note to Disney here is diverse situations are the way forward. Now I know it’s slightly Clichéd but this really is Indiana Jones with the action sucked out.

However this aside there is two major problems with this film I want to write about here so I’ll get straight to them:

(1) it doesn’t make any sense

(2) The acting is awful.

On (1), I really don’t mean to nitpick on historical minutiae, hell I’d be happy to suspend disbelief for two hours on topics such as Lincoln’s assassination, Mayan treasures, Mount Rushmore geography, and all that other nonsense, no problem there. But the point of a treasure hunt movie is the ability to follow the main character in his struggle, perhaps struggle with him, see him figure things out and perhaps guess with him. This first movie achieved this to some degree. However its offspring sequel hasn’t lived up to its parent.

For the treasure hunting and clever figuring out of clues relies on consistence. The universe of the movie doesn’t have to be consistent with the world we live in, but it has to be consistent with itself. But the universe of this movie is like a great big fairy tale, and a fairy tale on Prozac at that. It quite often has the central character pulling white rabbits out of his sleeve whenever he needs them, they seem to crop up more often than not and have the power of Ret-Con.

Another qualm I have with this movie is action and drama, or more precisely the lack of. Yes the movie tries its hand at some drama, but it just doesn’t work. Things go pretty smoothly for the most part, into the Queen’s office, out of it again, oops, we are being chased, heck, let’s take a photo, oh no camera, ah, there is a traffic camera, yep and by the way, can you just hack into the computer and download the picture without a physical access terminal to the central network like we do, oh every day. Then it’s onto the next event, Repeat previous events getting into the oval office, then again when kidnapping the president.

Meanwhile the hero manages to MacGyver his way through an increasingly preposterous story. You get the feeling that it might have been better if he had not stolen the Constitution in part 1, so the writers would not have to top this. This in itself makes me cringe at the fact Disney announced a third and possibly a 4^th, meaning that by the time we get to the 4^th it will have escalated to the point where we are on mars fighting cybernetic Dinosaurs for gods pyjamas.

Back in the second all I have to say about the ‘villain’ is he’s lame and for the most part useless, not to mention somewhat incoherent.

None of the story really makes the slightest bit of sense, including the motivation of the hero. To clear the name of his great-great-grandfather he risks his life, the life of friends and loved ones, his own good name (Again) by kidnapping the president and even breaks into his own house to steal his ex-girlfriends card key so he can gain access to a page that may or may not contain the secret of ages all based on a hunch.

At this point it’s all becoming a steaming pile of nonsense aimed at people who really do not give a damn about storylines, consistence, and coherence and are possible into cranial intrusion. It requires the target audience to want nothing more than a lot of movement/action, high-tech gobbledygook, explosions, and cheap patriotism. Call me needy but I’d like an interesting, involving storyline, believable characters and humour, dark or otherwise.

However, as bad as the story was point number (2), the bad acting, I’m afraid to say, is even worse. Everybody in this movie was disappointing, even a non-actor like Kruger. Her career should end with this movie, over, out, finite. She cannot do it, and it’s not been for a lack of opportunity. If you had a consistent record of failure like hers in any regular job, you’d find yourself with a lot of spare time very soon.

But even the real actors here just make you cringe, Greenwood, Harris, Mirren, Voight, they all deliver horrible performances that seem to betray their lack of passion and their paycheck mentality. Since we know they *can* act, we have seen it before, but they just don’t in this movie. It seems to suggest to me there trying to convey the message “WE HATE THESE MOVIES, SAVE US, STOP WATCHING THEM!”. Keitel comes away without much harm, his part is so tiny, there just isn’t a lot of opportunity to screw things up too badly.

My Question at the end of this is why oh why do they keep making this fluff?

Because for some reason we attend it. We go there, drop our cash, and watch this nonsense. I am free of guilt here as my parents bought it and I got curious. But if you haven’t seen it, you and your money can still make a difference. Watch a good movie. There are plenty out there. In the DVD collections from 20 years ago.

And now I go to polish my tiny scrunched up cynical heart.

Five Reasons Artemis Fowl Kicks Edward Cullen’s Ass

I’m going to start this list with a disclaimer : I’m only about a third of the way through Twilight. (UPDATE: I’ve finished, and yes, it was terrible.) And oh God is it slow going. It’s become the reading version of push-ups : you’re doing it to prove a point even though at this point it’s becoming unbearable.

But I feel such a list is necessary, since about 97% of the female population think this Cullen chap is just the best thing since sliced bread and twice as sexy. (The other 3% either have better taste in literature or are functionally illiterate.) So without further ado, and in no particular order, here’s the top 5 reasons Artemis Fowl would wipe the floor with Edward Cullen.

1. Money

Everyone knows that money is a powerful aphrodaisic. Well, Artemis is rolling in it. The family fortune is in the billionaire leagues, and includes a Learjet, a mansion in Ireland, and all sorts of neat gadgets. Think the iPhone on steroids. Then there’s the fact that Artemis has a manservant who doubles as a bodyguard and chauffeur. Edward drives a freaking Volvo. Sure, maybe it’s better in crashes, but in terms of raw awesome factor (measured in the SI unit of freaking sweet per square meter), Artemis’s Bentley wins hands down. It’s hardly even a competition here.

2. Brains

Artemis is a certified genius. He’s recieved multiple university degrees already; from what I’ve read up to in Twilight, Edward is comfortable with attending Washington State U. Artemis captured a magical fairy at only 12 years old. Edward can’t even keep his vampire powers secret from a ditzy girl. Einstein himself would probably be astounded by the sheer immensity of Artemis’s cerebral powerhouse. And think about this, ladies — with that much brainpower, you’d never have to worry about a forgotten birthday or anniversary ever again. He’d know the perfect gift to get you for any occasion (and with the aforementioned money, it would be sure to impress). Let’s face it, it doesn’t get much better than that.

And for those of you who think that Edward would just beat the everlovin’ snot out of Artemis, the way the football jocks pounded chess club kids in high school…

3. Toughness

I can practically predict the responses to this. “Edward fights bears and mountain lions with his bare hands!” Yeah? Big friggin’ whoop. He’s got superhuman strength. That’s like being impressed with a major-league baseball player beating a Little League team. And if you just thought to yourself that you’d like to see that, you’re a dick who enjoys ruining small children’s dreams. Yes, you.

Now let’s consider. Artemis might not be physically tough. But he’s gone toe-to-toe with some of the toughest villians imaginable and come out on top. Trolls, mafia thugs, and superpowerful magical beings. For crying out loud, the kid shot his own father in order to save his life. That’s more like one kid from Little League beating the Red Sox and the Yankees. Much more impressive, and a hell of a lot more entertaining to see.

4. Sexiness

Apparently Edward Cullen is oh-so-sexy because he’s a vampire. In the promo shots I’ve seen for the movie, he looks like a sun-deprived man-child who listens to Fall Out Boy and steals his older sister’s makeup. If you think that’s sexy…well, you’re probably an emo girl who’s mad that I just insulted Fall Out Boy, and I have no friggin’ idea why you’re reading my blog. Go away.

Now, Artemis, though….firstly, there’s the fact that he’s a sharp dresser. Always decked out to the nines in designer suits. Half of the girls out there can’t even get their boyfriends to shave regularly or put on a shirt with buttons. Then of course there’s the accent. You cannot tell me that you don’t melt inside when you hear an Irish accent. Why do you think people like Sean Connery and Pierce Brosnan consistently are voted Sexiest Man Alive Ever for Eternity? (And yes, I recognize that there are differences not only between the different parts of the UK, but even within individual countries…but you still can’t deny that they’re all sexy.)

Then you have to remember that while Edward looks 17, he’s really a centuries old undead man. You know how creeped out you get when an old guy leers at you in line at the supermarket? Multiply that by about ten billion and you’ll be getting close to how disgusting this is. It’s like making out with the Mummy. Look what happened to the chick from that movie — eaten alive by bugs.

Always remember, ladies, making out with ancient evil beings equates to a horrible, horrible death. Always.

5. Availability

Let’s consider what we know about good looking guys, from our observations of the world.

A. They’re consistently being chased by several girls at once.

B. They’re consistently chasing several girls at once.

I call this the Pimpp-Mannwhor Hypothesis. Its corrollary, the Doosh-Bagg Theorem, is left as an exercise to the reader.

Think about it, ladies. Why compete with a bunch of other girls for a man who will never lack for female attention? What happens when someone new comes along? Instead, doesn’t it make much more sense to go for the slightly less Adonis-like, yet still not bad on the eyes man? Of course, if you’re superficial enough that a man’s looks are a primary concern for you, this high-level logic is above you anyways.

Well, there you have it. Five perfectly valid reasons that Artemis Fowl would totally trash Edward Cullen any day of the week. Now I’m going to wait for the hate mail from all the fangirls from the English-speaking portions of the world. If you enjoyed this post, good. Read more of this blog, and wait for more updates. If you didn’t enjoy it, then it’s probably because you’re one of those fangirls. Now leave me alone, I have to continue working on shamelessly ripping off Yahtzee.

Long time, no spawling ramble of doom

So, I guess we really need to learn to update this more often, huh?

Anyway, it’s time for another installment of happy ramble funtime and stuff. Only, you know, the first 4 words of that statement are false. So just stuff.

So first off.

“In a mad world, only the mad are sane”

Elements of my life seem to have converged to be confusing, aggravating and stressful. I’ve had ups, downs, side to sides and all sorts of other directions. Kind of like a yoyo wielded by a maddened bear. But it looks like someone disarmed Bobo. I just hope that someone isn’t a bearlock…

But yes, life has once again calmed down. Admittedly, I’ve been stuck at home for nearing 2 weeks now, thanks to a pickpocket and the staff at GMPTE, who seem not to know the meaning of the word ’speed’. This may have contributed, since other than when I can actually afford to, I have avoided going out.

I’ve started writing a supplement for 4th edition Dungeons And Dragons. Label me a geek, but frankly, that’s a label I’ll wear with pride. Either way, it’s something to do. And frankly, designing a world is fun.

Ok, I think I’m gonna move on to other gaming areas.

Video game wise, I’ve finally reached rank 55 on COD4. At least on my primary account. Keep your eyes open for “BlackLiger” or “Warlord”, since those are what I tend to use. I’m trying to gain the other achievements, not that it’s easy.

Some of these achievements, however, look impossible unless you’re really lucky. I mean, I only got “On the edge” by throwing a grenade INTO a building while the enemy shot me through the wall (get 3 or more kills while near death).

Tabletop game wise, I’ve gotten into playing Horrorclix. It’s a nice little game system, with some inventive ideas. And it’s fun, and funny. I’ve got an actual hero team together, finally, with a squad of ’special forces’ and their commander, Major Harper. These guys aren’t brilliant, but they are powerful if used right. And they are funny, because like all steriotyped horror movie ‘heros’, the bigger the gun, the less damage they do, except in rare circumstances (Named heros, for example).

And movies. Movies I can rant about. For starters, KUNG FU PANDA IS A BUCKET OF AWESOME WITH EXTRA AWESOME! Seriously, I’m a fan of Jack Black films anyway, but Kung Fu Panda is EXCELLENT. It’s certainly in the list of films I’ve got to acquire at some point.

“There is no secret ingredient”

Next, well, The Inedible Mulch…. Uh.. I mean Incredible Hulk. DAMN this is actually an awesome movie. People who downbeat it seem to have gone in expecting far more than the Hulk ever COULD give. He’s the HULK, people, not Dr Strange. His ’shtick’ is to find a monster and hammer it into the floor repeatedly. You want to watch a thinky movie, try something other that a ‘comic book action hero’ movie.

And in the same vein, Iron Man wasn’t too bad. I want a computer like that, if nothing else, for lazyness purposes. And to build me a multi billion dollar super suit which can beat up tanks with little effort, obviously…

And of course, finally:

Welcome James to our little blog here. He’s our newest writer, and about as sane as 2 wet cats stuck in a sack. And that’s before we go into the releasing pheromones that make them more aggressive.

Applications to join our blogging bunch can be submitted to “Info@Spartalive.net” once you’ve registered on this blog itself.

Going just a little more insane every day.

So Lady Irony has decided to offer another kick to the balls again. As much as I wanted summer to arrive at the end of semester, I find myself wondering if I might be happier back at school. Why the hell would I want that? A few reasons.

Firstly, work is tiring me out and taking up all my time. I’m working 90% of the week to put gas in my car…so that I can go to work to put gas in my car…well, you get the idea. And on most of my days off everyone else is working, so more often than not I end up sitting around the house.

Oh, the house. How I tire of it. This house is what’s making me crazy, I think — the fact that I’m always here. Sitting at this damn computer, too, just like I am now. I’d much prefer to be out with friends, but it doesn’t happen nearly as much as I’d like. And, if I may indulge in a bit of self-pity, it’s not as if my inbox is overflowing with invitations to places. Again, it’s irony, or karma, or some such thing. Now that I’ve got the means to actually go places and hang out with people, it just doesn’t happen.

This isn’t precisely new, though. I’ve been sitting on this rant for a few months now. But I kept telling myself that I’m not the whiny type. Well, at this point in time some old-fashioned catharsis is what I need right now. Even though it won’t amount to much more than shouting into the void, since the people with the power to make me feel better likely will never see this.

I guess that’s what it comes down to. I want some reassuranace. I want someone to say “Yes, we want to hang out with you, Tom. You’re an important part of the fun. We love you.” Again, whiny — I know I’ve got good friends. But the self-doubt likes to creep in at these wee hours of the evening. And so I ponder to myself, and make self-deprecating comments.

Ah well. I don’t have it nearly as bad off as others, and yet that makes me feel worse, not better, that I’m acting this whiny and emotional. What the hell is wrong with me?